My Head Hurts

Trigeminal Neuralgia, being in pain all of the time, laughing at it, and what this all might become.

Mar 10, 2025

Ok Kyle, just the first words on a new Substack, here. No pressure at all. Just going to write about how your head hurts every day. Put some headphones on, tune everything else out.

Oh god, the headphones hurt to wear. It’s like they’re clamping a downed-power-line into the entire right side of your head, and it’s electrocuting you for trying to listen to music. You didn’t even pick a song, yet. Shit, you might throw up from the pain. Take those off. Take a breath. Get the little headphones. Where are they at, gotta go find them.

Hey, you thought about writing something, and that’s basically writing something. You earned a little break. Bake an entire loaf of banana bread. That’s why you let those bananas rot on the counter, obviously, it was just for this moment. It was all part of the plan, this banana bread. Way to think ahead, Kyle.

Ok, it’s been in the oven for a while, open the door and see how it looks. Your glasses fogged up, just reach up and fix them. Well, fuck. You bumped your glasses and your own head is electrocuting you, again. Hopefully you don’t pass out this time.

Let the bread cool before you cut it, Kyle.

Holy hell your head hurts. Push on one of your scars like it’s the “CLOSE DOOR” button in an elevator. You’re pretty sure it doesn’t actually do anything but it’s nice to feel like you’re making a decision.

What time is it? When did you start all of this? While you’ve mostly been suppressing tears you could have been brainstorming a Substack name! Just go with your first and last name, best for branding.

The bread has to be cool, by now. Give it a touch. Cool enough to cut. Please, Trigeminal Nerve, give me ten seconds off while I use a serrated bread knife. Imagine that’s how I go, electrocuted by my own face while using a bread knife. People would hear the details and be extremely whelmed. Hey, the bread turned out pretty good, solid choice adding the chocolate chips. Let’s figure out this writing about chronic pain thing, now. Over some bread.

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Hey folks, if you’re new to me, I’m Kyle Ayers. I’m a comedian, other stuff, and guy who has Trigeminal Neuralgia, often referred to as Suicide Disease (your guess as to why is probably correct), a chronic pain disorder in my head. I’ve had it since at least 2017, possibly earlier, but the full wave hit around then. I’ve had countless treatments, a bunch of surgeries in my face, head, and brain. I’ve tried every pill you could think of, pharmaceutical and less-pharmaceutical. Alternative treatments, multiple neurosurgeons and specialists and years of trying it all, and the pain is still here.

It went away for six months, once, years ago, but other than that, a time that I can’t even properly remember, it’s just hell. The easiest way I can put it is that it does truly feel like a downed power line, whipping in my head and often electrocuting me.

It’s derailed my life, ruined countless endeavors and ideas and hopes, and well, it didn’t seem to care all that much, which felt rude.

One of the worst things I could possibly think of happened, I tried everything, and nothing fixed it. Now what?

I’ve spent my whole life laughing at everything else that’s happened to me, so now I’m writing jokes about being in pain every day, and often times, wanting to die. I’ve got a bunch of them, a whole show’s worth.

And I’m going to use this Substack, hopefully, to talk it all out. Thoughts on being in pain every day, the absurdity of it all. I’ve found that most everybody is going through something, whether or not you can tell by looking at them (I once, after a show, had someone tell me I “don’t look like I have a brain disease.” Makes sense when you think about where the brain is). Chronic pain is more prevalent than we really seem to acknowledge, and we just have to keep on living. So if you’re into laughing at any of that, hang out with me. Biweekly sounds good? We’ll figure out a consistent format. I am new to this platform, I exported lists from email-newsletter-sites I’d used before, I’d like to simply have it all be here. I am always welcome to questions, tips on Substack or how not to die, or anything like that. I’m also inviting some funny friends to come talk to me about what causes them pain, and we’re going to laugh at that together. I’ll probably drop that audio here.

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Hilarious Thing That Happened Relative to My Pain: Episode 1

I was performing my standup hour about Trigeminal Neuralgia, “Hard to Say” at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival, and multiple performers there, when they found out about my disease, had some interesting things to say, things which I wrote down so I wouldn’t forget. Let’s do a….

Top 5 Things Performers Said When They Found Out My Show At Edinburgh Was About Having a Brain Disease

“Wow, that’s so good.”

“I’d take something like that I bet it gets people out.”

“I’m jealous I don’t have anything that bad for a show”

“The jokes have to be worth it, right?”

“Dang that’s unfair, the show just writes itself.”*

*in a way that implied that it was an unfair leg up for me to be in rare, severe pain

It definitely did not feel perverse at all for people to be jealous that I am in pain, because they only see things through the lens of the theme of a show. Would I trade being in pain all of the time if it meant losing some jokes? Yeah, you know, I think I would.

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Some Things I Did To Not Feel Like I Was Dying Every Minute This Week

Got to stay distracted or I just sit and think about how I’m just sitting and thinking about pain.

I’ve been taking my time making coffee. I bought an espresso machine a while back from a kid at UCLA who was selling their Christmas gift they didn’t want. They even said “You have to pay cash, my parents monitor my Venmo.” So I’ve been enjoying that for a bit, now. Here’s both the best and the most typical latte art attempts, on my part.

I wrote some jokes, told some jokes, played some tennis, and created some new magical items for a Dungeons & Dragons campaign I’m currently running. I’ll send you the items if you’re into that sort of stuff. Here’s one:

Glimmerthread: A thin, shimmering silver thread that can be tied to an object or person. For 24 hours, you will always know the direction to what it’s tied to.

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Thanks for reading. You may have ended up here because you were on my email list from comedy, or my podcast Never Seen It, maybe a post on social media. Or from an email list I used for a newsletter on a previous site. I’m sorry if this was an unwanted thing in your inbox, I take no offense if you delete, unsubscribe, move on, and sorry for the inconvenience.

Or maybe someone sent it your way. That’d be wonderful.

I hope you’re having a pain-free, as wonderful as it could be day.

-kyle

banana bread picture attached

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If you’re in New York City or the area, I’m performing there on April 5. If you’re in Los Angeles, I’ll be running jokes from my show ‘Hard to Say’ as shorter sets around town leading up to that. Instagram is the best place to keep up with it all. March 22 I’ll be doing an extended set at Stories in Echo Park at 7p.

I’d love to travel more, with regular jokes or my show about being in pain. Hit me up if you run a spot! Happy to go most anywhere if I can.

My podcast, Never Seen It, is always around if you want something completely unserious. Comedians rewrite famous movies and TV shows they’ve never seen before. Kevin Sullivan, Chase O’Donnell, Gary Michael Anderson and more coming up!